February 2009
3 posts
My old roomate would always do impressions of English people when he was drinking. Unfortunately one of them was driving in the left lane.
RIP.
BARriers to fullfillment
Between the loud music, shallow people, and meaningless conversation, I’m really tired of trying to meet girls at the bar.
I just wish there were a place I could go to actually listen to people talk -really listen- and be heard myself. A place where I could make meaningful, lasting connections. Transcend the isolation that characterizes the human condition, and, if only for a moment, feel...
December 2008
4 posts
Meet the parents
A girl I’ve been seeing just invited me to her parent’s house for Christmas.
I feel ambivalent. One one hand I’m flattered, but I’m struggling to wrap my mind around the idea that a girl would actually want people to associate me with her. I usually assume that even when a girl likes me, I’m like a guilty pleasure for her. She really enjoys me, but wants to keep me on the DL. Kinda...
Adventures of the guy who doesn't understand...
“Listen up. I’m gonna say this once and only once. I love you”
My girlfriend broke up with me because she said the only way I could express myself was through sex.
I used to f*ck her in Morse code.
November 2008
3 posts
I still think the worst cast to be in would be “Seussical.”
a "tie" that binds?
It’s unfortunate that McNabb didn’t understand what a tie was, but at least we can take solace in the fact that going forward, after Obama’s hisoric election, not only will black kids know what ties are, but many will get an opportunity to wear them.
Putting (the) race behind us...
I’ve been busy with work stuff and haven’t had a chance to post anything in a while, so I decided I’d throw out something punny. I imagine a depression era comic doing this as a skit in some vaudeville routine, or over the radio with a bunch of wacky sound effects.
I’ve never been so embarassed by anything I’ve written.
A little more than a week ago, the longest...
September 2008
10 posts
an anti-Semitic guy who’s shopping for car...
“More like Kike-o.”
-White person
“You can call me whatever you want, just don’t call me late to dinner”
-Black person
“You can call me late to dinner, just don’t call me ni**er.”
No woman, some cry
Some girls won’t date me because I drink and use drugs.
I don’t get it. It’s like, who wouldn’t want to be with some incredible genius artist whose drug use, while prolific and sometimes dangerous, gives him the inspiration to create this meaningful, lasting art that shines new light on old things and challenges, even forces, us to radically re-imagine the world that we live in. Wouldn’t that guy...
Mo' Nique, Mo' Problems
I read the other day that Monique’s brother raped her when they were kids.
Apparently he lured her into the bathroom with candy. I wonder how he knew candy would work.
Conservative saying
“Big carbon footprint, big meat.”
imagined suicide vs. suicide
“Here’s the suicide note Mrs. Sunnergren. It was hard to read because it was so full of difficult truths.”
“Here’s the suicide note Mrs. Sunnergren. It was hard to read because his handwriting is like a child’s.”
"Palin" it on
Sarah Palin named her child with down syndrome Trig. It’s weird that she named him something he’ll never do.
It’d be like if Sarah Palin’s parents named her “Use Birth Control,” or “Don’t Make Shit Up.”
a radio show producer who doesn't get it
“Yeah the guy can talk a good game, but does he have what it takes?”
Lessons...
When I was still in school, I thought success was just about who had the most money.
After i graduated I learned that I was right.
August 2008
10 posts
Things that sound racist but aren't
-Death by chocolate
-The Black Sea
-The Bill Engvall Show
I’m starting to suspect that adulthood comes when you lower your expectations to the point that you can meet them.
Balding
I really admire guys who are balding and instead of going with a comb-over or Rogaine they just shave it all off.
It’s like that scene in The Usual Suspects when a couple goons take Keyser Soze’s family hostage and instead of negotiating with their captors he shoots his wife and children himself.
“You think I care about hair! Fuck hair!”
It sends the world a pretty strong message.
Thinking about Ipods
I’ve been a little concerned about something lately.
Like most middle-class Americans who aren’t hearing impaired I listen to my Ipod almost constantly. I’ve picked out a thousand or so songs that I like, and I listen to them on a loop. It’s difficult for a new song to break into my increasingly circular musical world. I’m pretty much listening to the same stuff constantly.
Now I think we’re all...
Bad News
-Your girlfriend is cheating on you
-Your mom has cancer
-Fox
Show me the punny!
Sex with my girlfriend is always anal;
“You’re doing it all wrong.”
“Put your hands here.”
“Not like that.”
At least she lets me put it in her ass once in a while.
War, what is it good for?
Well, apparently Russia and Georgia are at war with each other.
Regardless of who wins, I think the first thing our new president should do is make it so single states can’t go fight wars with whole other countries. We have enough problems as it is.
Even though Russia is a pretty crappy country now, there is a chance they might win, and then what? We’d have to bail them out, or else...
I got fired today
I don’t like to think of it as losing a job, but as gaining a son.
They tried to make me got to rehab, I said 'my...
Sometimes I feel like I have a drinking problem. The rest of the time I don’t feel anything at all.
July 2008
23 posts
Things I am unlikely to ever hear someone say
“So is she a ‘Nazi,’ or is she a ‘Nazi Nazi?’”
“Run, there’s puppies everywhere!”
“I do.”
A hypothetical
Ok, so you meet this girl at a sports bar.
You spill a drink on her and you apologize and then you buy her a drink to make up for it and then she buys you one and then you’re laughing and she’s touching your leg. You kiss her and she says she liked it and you know you liked it and the next thing you know you wake up in her apartment with the morning sun in your eyes and her sweet smelling body...
I never learned to love
I have a lot of unprotected sex, but at least I never make myself vulnerable emotionally.
Adventures of the guy who doesn't understand what...
“Excuse the superlative, but I’m gonna kick this guys ass.”
Liberal economist or snarky fashionista?
“Between the rich and the poor there’s lots of Gaps.”
Women and weather are different
Weather is the best when it’s dry and in the seventies
I got a pirated copy of “The Dark Knight” last night and wasn’t that impressed.
Turns out I bought the wrong movie.
Posting Bale
http://www.accesshollywood.com/article/10465/report-christian-bale-flew-off-the-handle-after-mom-insulted-wife/?__source=related-headlines
http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0„20214526,00.html?iid=top25-20080724-‘The+Dark+Knight’+continues+to+break+records
When Christian Bale looks back on this past weekend, will he see it as a net positive?
dated humor
“I finally saw Brokeback Mountain. It was actually quite moving.”
“What moved? Your penis.”
honest advice
Some things in life are more valuable than the almighty buck.
Like the euro.
Love hurts. The unrinary tract in particular.
I got a book at Barnes and Noble because the cover art was awesome but it ended up not being very good. What’s that all about?
"Identity" crisis...
“Where did I put that John Cusak DVD?!”
The most embarrassing erectile disfuntion is being gay
The most romantic “sex ring” is an engagement ring
Spin?
In an apparent gesture of good will towards the US, several Afghani’s set off makeshift fireworks to celebrate the fourth of July.
Their roadside explosion killed 19.
rejected southwest commercial
A young couple sit across their kitchen table from one another. They each have something they need to say.
“I’m pregnant.”
“I have AIDS.”
wanna get away?
Debt
There are some people in this world to whom I owe a debt so grand that I could never hope to repay it. Every teacher who ever believed in me, my mother for her unconditional love and support, and MasterCard.
When they say that 90% of success is just being there, the place they’re talking about is not your couch.